Kelly Kintner - Editor's Blog

The great falsehood.

I was once told that in order to have a happy life, I need discipline. That is false.

Many people like me spend an enormous amount of effort trying to be disciplined and fail everyday. Every day. I contend there is a better way.

Don’t let what disciplined folks can say ruin your day.

There is a way to live undisciplined and be a happy person. You can be content, you can have meaningful relationships, you can feel good about yourself. The rub is that many disciplined people don’t believe this. There is a bias held by many disciplined folk against the undisciplined.

Bias as old as humanity.

As a musically talented bipolar person growing up in the world, I was given many lectures regarding the importance of discipline. I was told the key to success is in discipline, that’s very false. I was told the secret to happiness was discipline, again false, (also not a secret if someone bothered telling it to me). I was given priorities of rigorous discipline by unknowing older or mentor-type adults, many of whom were convinced if I just had discipline, I’d be unstoppable. Seriously, I was told this as a kid.

They have ‘key attributes’ made up for discipline.. a list of biases.

Here’s the kicker, though. Discipline is a skill. That means it is learned. They even have it broken down into key attributes:

• Self-control: Managing your feelings and stopping bad habits.
• Perseverance: Not giving up when things get hard.
• Respect for rules: Obeying laws and guidelines set by authority.
• Dedication: Working hard to finish important tasks.
• Consistency: Doing the right task every day without fail. 

Okay, I’ll just stop a bad habit.

Do you see the inherent bias in this? As a bipolar, the number one key is impossible sometimes. The second item is nothing but bias. The rules suck right now, in response to the third. I don’t have a problem with the 4th, but you aren’t going to know which tasks are important and which are just dumb being dedicated to all of them or dedicated to these rules. Consistency in art is a no-go for me. I don’t even want it. Consistency means no growth, unless you are consistently growing..but they don’t call that discipline. Capitalists love this term, by the way, “consistency.” Artists do not. Maybe some have a little of both in them and they’re fighting each other.. REAL disciplined, guys. (always a dude.)

Dear techs and producers,

I love my disciplined technicians and producers, but many have had difficulty with me not being disciplined. This is not because they know more, not because they know best; it’s bias. They are able to be disciplined, maybe raised that way. They have specific ways of doing things. They are not flexible. That is not me. I am not going to be masterful at discipline at 50 as a bipolar and someone who’s never been that way. Some roads I don’t go down in this life. That is just the way it is.

The good news.

The good news for me is I don’t have to be disciplined to be happy, content, love, or make art. So I am fine.

I do have to do other things. 

I have to make myself a list of rules per project. I mentioned before I set up stations around the house, one station, one job. I have developed routines, like a disciplined person might, just because I am bipolar and it helps mitigate symptoms. I take meds to keep control and be ‘myself’ for long periods of time. I try to sleep a lot. Sleep seems to help me from getting too hyper. Go figure. I am eating better and better, a long, slow, arduous, and even expensive process. But it feels good. I do physical stuff at the day job. Keeps the blood flowing. I also talk a bunch about how I feel. I hope friends let me know if I say something concerning to them. Talking for me is a way to weave myself in the world. The music helps me a lot. But talking seems to be fun for more folks than just me. Haha. Whereas talking to myself, not hitting.

We’re talking self-care here. It might be my only discipline. And that’s FINE.

I do a whole lot to stay on top of symptoms and have fun. But it is not the discipline required to finish a college degree, or even fix a car. Maintenance is hard for me. Learning software bores me to tears. I have done it. But I am not doing it anymore. Music stuff gets to a technical level where I have to make hard choices. I usually make the wrong one. So I change things and hope for better next time. That’s as disciplined as I get. I don’t have years of habit, skill, routine, even living in one place very long. My life has largely been about survival. A strong sense of discipline would have killed me not so long ago. I had to quit, give up, surrender, admit I needed to change, take pills. If I have managed to develop ANY discipline since then, it’s only because I did that stuff first.

Maybe we need both types?

So, you disciplined folks getting frustrated with undisciplined songwriters can chill. Why not play to your strengths? Have a disciplined and an undisciplined relationship. Does the undisciplined person get on your nerves, even though you have never met and you like their songs? Check your bias.

Kelly Kintner, Editor

The Horse’s Mouth Magazine

6th Grade Lit.

As a kid in the 6th grade, I discovered Flannery O’Connor. My world has gotten nothing but better since then. O’Connor had a profound impact on me, still does. I wanted to write not only about why, but why I feel that is important for me.

Are we really talking about villains here?

The richness of O’Connor’s postbellum society was in what she didn’t say as well as the words typed. Imagine The Great Depression. Walker Evans, a famous photographer of The Great Depression, noted, “No wonder Southerners are intimidated by their own landscape.” If you don’t know The American South, you might not be familiar with the endless things here. Endless heat, endless flat land, endless ignorance, endless hate, endless poverty. O’Connor put everyone on the same playing field in that the villains didn’t seem so bad, and the “good guys” didn’t seem so good. I think in survival situations across all humanity, Flannery O’Connor nailed a truth about human nature, in this regard. I mean, what do you do if you are going to die? How do you live? Does someone get hurt in the process? What’s their story? Do they deserve to live less than you? Flannery O’Connor started this line of thought in me at 6th grade. And it hasn’t let up yet.

Lots of Church.

In traditional Gothic Literature, you might have castles, even decaying ones. In Southern Gothic Lit, you got decaying plantations. You have high society, as best it can hold out in Southern Gothic Lit too. But you also have a lot of poverty. Church seems to linger in the air on some stories I have read. Anytime someone is talking, you just know there’s a cross somewhere, like grandma’s house.

I am not a fan of church, religion, spirituality, or beliefs. But I don’t have to be with this genre. The Southern Gothic genre has no more reverence for religion than I do. It’s just part of the set. But for folks like me who know, it’s also a big part of the trauma. By not treating the church as the guidepost in the narrative, it frees me up to examine it for what it is, an oppressor. I like literature that accommodates me in that way. Not a lot does. Plenty, I am not hurting, but still not a lot in comparison. I often find myself in situations where folks want me to practice tolerance or be nice. They don’t know my history with religion and are telling me to “shut up” essentially. That doesn’t help them in my eyes. Southern Gothic stories say, “we got you.”

The hypocrisy, come on. You got to see that shit.

My first O’Connor novel back when I was in 6th grade was called “Wise Blood.” That main character’s name was Hazel Motes (fabulous name). Hazel Motes founded an anti-religion. He claimed “The Church of Christ without Christ.” Now, in yelling about his new church, Hazel Motes desperately seeks redemption. But if you are the kind of person in need of redemption, you might be the kind of person in need of Christ. They’re both religions. They’re both taught. A meerkat doesn’t wake up on the warm grass and start looking for forgiveness. It’s a man-made construct. Even though Flannery O’Connor herself was religious, she was most certainly no dummy.

Her stories are loaded with pious or intelligent folks who succumb to temptations or bad behavior. In one story called “The Geranium,” an early one of hers, a man tries to teach his barber a lesson in civility and ends up getting violent himself. This one story has taught me more about dealing with obstinate-natured people than any class. It’s pointless.

There’s a grandma in her most popular story, “A Good Man is Hard to Find” who is a perfect image of many seniors I knew growing up in the South. They were religious, claiming to be morally upright with their racial slurs. They held a bias against poor folks even though they had been poor most of their lives, and might even be poor now. This grandma lied, pleaded for her life, and ratting kids out. She was a real bitch, good riddance.

The swamp, it sinks.

What you have for the backdrop of all this goofy religion and oppression is a sinking southern plantation. At one time, this place was hustle and bustle and good for about 10 people. That world is now overgrown and sinking in the swamp. The leveling of the field that does for folks trying to survive is fascinating to me. It makes me want to throw my computer in the swamp. I’d like to slowly observe it sinking into the earth, never to be dug up. An ugly chapter in history, not just American history. Slavery and oppression are a worldwide human issue. Everyone with a computer or phone faces it.

Make that sink too. If you are the praying type, good prayer there. I don’t see how it happens otherwise. This also makes the roots of characters murky. This is an important feature. Much of Southern Gothic suspense and intrigue comes when someone’s past is revealed. I won’t say it’s a trope, but it is there. But you have to understand, these were not safe times. Who you were in a past life might not be safe in this one. While it may be common in the novels, it comes by it honestly. It was most certainly common in real life in the postbellum South. The swamp gives by its sinking. In many’s cases, it was the gift of a secret identity.

I get novels, but what about movies, music?

I have a few songs I put out that folks used the term, “southern gothic” to categorize. Review outlets have done it, folks at shows have done it, and even close friends. It isn’t just me. Folks feel “Southern Gothic” when they hear songs like “15 Years” or “Smoke and Mud.” I love that. I feel like I came across it. I don’t know if I think it is an official music category. It seems very much a literary one to me; however, I love that vibe. I know what they mean. And I love that they said that. It’s like saying to a musician, “you read Flannery too?” All about that.

Movies, I get it. I mean, “To Kill a Mockingbird” is not only a southern gothic novel by Harper Lee, it’s a fabulous southern gothic film too. The modern version, “A Time to Kill,” doesn’t come close, but it is still the same genre.

Hop aboard the SG train.

I welcome everything into the southern gothic category that fits. It means awareness to me. It means friends are all in agreement, can we please not go back there? Let’s just enjoy the fiction.

Kelly Kintner, Editor

The Horse’s Mouth magazine

A DAW sounds fine, so…

If you think the sound is why folks like me prefer analog music-making, you’d be less than half right. While I do love the tones that come easily on my console, I can get close in a computer. It takes a different approach, takes me a little longer, but I get sounds I like listening to out of a DAW.

The reason analog is still king is because it is still a hobby. I don’t know what making music in a DAW is most the time. It is something akin to masturbating then showing off results. Sure work gets done in a DAW, but a lot of the “work” I hear is syncing menu items to BPMs and playing with effects. That’s wholly different than pounding a song out on an instrument. When it is just me and a guitar, there’s no menus. There’s no BPMs. There’s no mix. There’s my brain and there’s my hands. It is simply a more fun way to spend my time. And that is the deal with analog.

But what about the time making it? Isn’t that supposed to be enjoyable?

Folks I know who dig analog too have time they devote to music-making and enjoying that time is more important than enjoying the rewards of the music. The time to make the music is a reward in itself. Why spend that on a computer?

• sidenote-The demo lesson

I try (these days) to make nice demo packages for collaborators. I didn’t always. The reason is I want to be a good part in the day of these nice folks helping me out on a song. I want them to enjoy tracking and thinking of parts. I want good memories. I want them to want to play along. When I tossed crap over, I often got crap back. It’s different today. It’s not because of my ears. It’s because I am trying to have fun doing this stuff.

Let us count the ways. 1.

Analog is more fun to use in several ways, not just one way. First? No updates. I have devoted entire segments of my life learning software for production only for it to change key features or get bought and boom, my workflow has to change. My process should not be so dependent on software just for this alone. I don’t get better at things if they always change the rules.

2.

A screen stimulates. You may not notice. But, as someone who has cut out screens except to write a blog entry and watch the BBC occasionally, I can tell you, I am more calm than I can ever remember being. What this tells me is I’m “getting off” doing DAW work. It is feeding me stuff, it ain’t just music. The thing is, I like my mind better without the effect of screens all day on it. I want to like myself. So analog is an easy choice there.

3.

Analog has a few technical perks over computer DAW’s. My favorite now, because I am on a big project is “set it and forget it.” If me or a client wants all the songs to sound the same, cohesive, like they were all made together with a lot of the same thoughts in mind, it’s very easy. Sure, it is possible and probably done on the daily in the world on computers. But I have been using DAW’s since Cool Edit Pro 2.0 a long time ago, (2002?), and that one function has never been so easy as it is with the Tascam recorder. I just leave the knobs. Next.

4.

Software companies suck. I know that’s a general and broad statement. But, years of dealing with them have taught me, I can’t even trust this blog site I am using until we push and pull a little to test malleability. The culture of software is grimy and gross. They have no respect for folks’ time and their job is to save just that. They reboot or update software that takes years to learn, they get bought, change the feel, change the goals. They might take on new features and functions that detract from their primary purpose, or at least, purpose for you. And now, they harvest. They know everything you like. They can even track your eye movements on your phone to know what your eyes do while scrolling, looking at porn. They suck. A huge satisfaction for analog work for me is not giving them the pleasure.

5.

The main reason I am converting every studio function to analog as I can is really because my hands. It is good for them. I have Tardive Dyskinesia and I get relieved whenever I can do something I intend to do with my fingers, my hands. I like to type, one reason is this. I like faders, buttons, knobs, precise movements that have direct effect on the monitors. It makes me feel solid. I don’t get “solid” vibes with a mouse. It hovers in the general area, not precise like an actual fader or knob at my fingers. Precise is a good word because computer mixing often requires selecting from menus. That feels more like “getting lucky” when I stumble on things. That’s fine if you want that. But I prefer to dial things in the way I intend from the beginning. I am working towards that.

Like everything, it’s a process.

I got a console, Tascam Model 24. It sounds fabulous. Preamps on every channel. The sound hardly needs anything if it sounded good in tracking. Very different from an interface to computer. I rarely got good sounds through the Focusrite that didn’t take a good deal of messing with. Another reason I like analog recording is less computer work. There’s a whole shift I don’t have to do at the computer desk by going in the Tascam. It sounds fine already. So, one less thing.

I am not fully analog yet. But I am getting there. It’s not cheap, sadly. It takes saving, in my tax bracket. But, music. I am used to that.

How I’d get started today in analog.

If you ever want to try analog recording, I would start small. Or borrow. You may be hooked on the computer way of doing things and I’d feel bad encouraging you to spend money on something you can’t use. Analog will make you work how it needs to work. Some folks don’t like that. I do, less on my brain. The good thing is starting small is totally possible. Ever heard of a 4 track? Or even, an 8 track? Those can be very reasonable. Zoom makes great digital/analog style recorders. I still have my 16 track from “back in the day” and it works great. The sound is very pleasant. I like Zoom recorders because they have very few proprietary buttons, terms, actions. So if you know music, you can probably figure out their stuff pretty quick. No learning curve on new gear is like mana from the gods. Software companies do not reward you in this way, hardly ever.

It never ends, (that’s fine).

I am on the market now for outboard gear. I am looking at various options for compression. I use Opto and FET compression a lot in computer mixing. This is fun for me. One less thing for the computer to do, coming soon.

Kelly Kintner, Editor

The Horse’s Mouth Magazine

Magazines are fun mmkay?

When I was growing up, magazines were a big deal for us. We’d all read about celebrities or hobbies and swap. Or we could cut out pictures and put them on our wall. I got a National Geographic subscription when I was a kid and I wanted to be a photographer when I grew up. Actually, I wanted to be a foreign correspondent, just with an eye, and a Nikon.

Magazines do not require updates, but they still get bought out.

As I transition to self-imposed life sans internet, I think about learning and entertainment differently. Learning for years, the hard stuff, has had to do with learning software. In music, I find this frustrating because we already had good stuff. Why ruin the good stuff that worked to make stuff that doesn’t? I have spent years learning the program Logic Pro on Apple. It is at version 12.3 as of this writing. I’ve been on since version 8 or so. It is impossible to keep up with the changes for me. I may learn slowly, I get that. But I hate the mentality of a company that takes my time invested for granted like that, especially if I am coming to them to save time. So I am transitioning music to analog stuff. I got a nice console. Someday, I won’t supplant anything analog with Logic Pro at all. Working toward that. Bit by bit.

I also think about fun. When I think about living without internet, I think fun might take a hit. This is where The Horse’s Mouth comes in. Or, at least came in initially. I wanted something to do offline for fun that still made opportunities for me to meet folks and learn about them. I came across a search for “snail mail groups” and I was pretty convinced we needed to do a newsletter. The newsletter became a mag quickly.

There’s more to printing on paper than we thought.

As we got into the nitty gritty of making a real paper and thick magazine, we realized we were doing it for something besides entertainment. We enjoyed helping folks get offline for as long as it takes to read it. We enjoy that unlike the internet, our magazine says the same thing, no matter what your algo is. Not only are we in love with that for us, I feel joyful to offer that to writers as well. Writers work hard on the words they mean to say. They are not always the words you want to hear. If a computer gets involved with that, chances are the writer gets screwed. But the reader gets screwed too. They read the computer, not the writer, and may not even know it. None of this happens on a paper mag. And we are here for it.

Number-Crunching soon!

We are also putting together a finances report . I will post it on the link tree when it is completed. We will have outgoing and incoming expenses. Everything will be laid out nicely so you can easily see how much a mag of your own would run. We are only once a quarter, plenty of room for others to start a club too. I strongly recommend googling “snail mail clubs”.

So many great folks helped.

The first issue was amazing! My dad, Max, wrote a prose in verse thing about Texarkana and roosters. My wife, Keri, wrote a recipe that I love to scarf down. Friends from everywhere pitched in too. Chris from Wales did an article and some illustrations that rule. Dino DiMuro does this thing where he hits on a lot of my emotions without a short amount of time. Bk Birge wrote about how to get out of a “bedroom sound” as a musician and how to start seeking your own sound. Caroline in the Garden had a wonderful message about pace and being multi-faceted. Ultimate Rick Jones talks about promoting what you love. Marc Schuster writes an article about Bandcamp Listening Parties, then he is interviewed by John Gilbert.

Shout out to art dept.

None of this would have looked so cool without Keri doing layout and Chris drawing a bunch. The magazine really looks cool, as well as reads cool. Lucky to have them on board.

Be the change…..

I think the consensus among most folks I hang out with is we have to do something. They rot your brain on purpose online. I urge you not to be okay with that. I urge it so bad, I made a magazine.

Kelly Kintner, Editor

The Horse’s Mouth Magazine

Anger.

I can get very angry. I don’t want to. I don’t mean to. I have bipolar disorder and I have experienced hypo-mania before. But lately within the last few years, dysphoric mania is making a comeback. I am trying to combat that. I hate this uncontrollable boiling over with anger sensation more than anything. I hate the regret, time wasted, regret, time wasted, loneliness, time wasted, etc.

Bipolar Disorder.

For those that don’t know, bipolar disorder comes with a variety of symptoms. One of those symptoms, you may be aware of, mania. Mania doesn’t always mean fun. In fact, I’d venture to say that all in all, even the fun manias aren’t as fun in hindsight. But my kind of mania lately, is no fun at all. I get angry. What’s happening in my brain is I’m very depressed, but also very hyper at the same time. If I was a chemist, asked to make a formula for uncontrollable anger, I’d look at that. Because that is what it feels like. Blind rage.

I had a nice coffee post written. 907 words on a new blogging site, seemed real easy. It felt cool. Easy on the eyes too. The editor was just what I wanted. I alt-tab and my work is gone. My phone flashes and folks are asking questions. Keri is trying to help me. And I just threw the phone away.

Later.

In hindsight, I think that was the right move. It shouldn’t have even been in that equation. The situation wouldn’t have felt so escalated. So that’s it. No more phone. None. I’m out. I can’t behave like I want to with it. I am hopelessly addicted to it. I have to remove it from the equation.

Brain Power.

Since I have been off social media I have learned some things. I have more brain power. Let me explain, since I have quit social media, I can read 40 pages in one sitting without issue. It’s been years since I could do that. I have a reading station now.

Stations.

I make stations temporarily around the house depending on projects or what I am into. Right now, I have a demo desk (also easily converted to writing desk), tracking space, lyrics area, guitar jamming space, and a reading space. The reason I have to do all this silly ritualistic stuff is because I have the attention span of a gnat. The reason I have the attention span of a gnat is a ton of unfettered internet time of over 2 decades. Who stands a chance?

No one stands a chance, (really).

No one. Against a fleet of data scientists armed with all our data, no one stands a chance. They’re going to get in the brain. It isn’t the number one industry in the whole world because it vibes. They got the numbers they need, like insurance. They are on the winning team.

Underneath everything is seething anger at the way things are. I try not to be a pain with it. I try to help. I don’t believe in anything radical like acceptance or forgiveness. I don’t do believing much. Never on purpose. I do believe things, but if I find myself believing something, I examine that like hell. I think it is as much compulsion as skepticism. But we’re talking my beliefs, not anyone else’s. So no harm in it. Not trying to crush anyone’s faith. I just don’t really like faith.

Calm.

I feel a lot more calm now. This is a reason I write. I know it will help me feel better. Even if I am only reading or writing my words, I am helping myself. I think that is pretty cool.

How I fight the guilt.

I feel terrible about the dysphoria. The guilt. How awful I must seem to some. I find it hard to move on after an episode. I just want to die. My kids haven’t spoken to me in years. Might be a reason. I get loud, yell, act stupid. Even today. Not often. Not even when anyone can see. But I still do. Shaking with violent anger. I take an Ativan, call it day. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to be stupid. I don’t want to be violent. So I got to take myself out of the game for a few sometimes. It’s the only way I have found to combat the guilt. And after all, that’s really what I don’t want.

I evolve, lots of folks do not.

So I am changing, still. If bipolar has done anything “for” me, it’s point me to different ways of processing, being, living, without hurting anyone. That has always been my goal. Still is. I discovered a breakthrough with CBT/DBT group therapy in New York but haven’t been able to find anything like that here in TX. I like CBT/DBT. I think the examining and positive-habits formed helped me as much as anything.

Do something masterful every day.

My counselor there told me “make sure you do something to help you feel masterful everyday, Kelly.” He knew what he was talking about. Years later, after doing masterful things everyday for a while, I’ve learned it’s cultivating good things in me. Much like growing a plant, doing things you like doing grows you. Certain times of the year or after big projects, it dawns on me what I spend all that time being masterful by myself for. It’ s so I can be part of a masterful work. The growth of getting better, slowing the mind a bit, on a regular basis, also combats the guilt, I’ve found. Can’t be all bad if I made this, whatever it is.

No phone but I am fine.

Today no phone. But I have demos. I have a Charles Bukowski book that is a gut-buster it’s so funny. No phone. First time in years. After sitting down to write this, first, I am excited for it.  -Kelly