Music and mental illness, a bipolar's perspective.
They size you up quick
It has happened after hearing a tune someone learned I was bipolar. They said “that’s why.” They liked the song, thought it couldn’t possibly come from me, and attributed it to my bipolar disorder, which is what happened. In seconds, really.
I checked the book and..
My being bipolar often makes me very emotional. But I can’t find anything in the DSM about it making me play guitar better. My staying on beat isn’t improved by lithium. My lyrics are not granted to me by a mysterious bipolar angel. Even if I concede I am perhaps overly sensitive to emotion, that is not the same thing as being able to write a tune someone else likes.
Please give this thought exercise a minute or two:
I hope to start a train of thought with whoever might read this. I hope you hear not just the guitars, but the sound, the decisions involved in note selection, the tones. I hope you hear not just the words, but the intent that put them there. I hope you realize if you saw this band you’re listening to live, between bar noise and a grumpy soundman, they ain’t going to sound as good. I hope you hear styles mixing together like backgrounds of coworkers. If you hear this kind of thing, there’s no, “must be the bipolar.”
My bipolar life
Bipolar Disorder is a strife for me. I am not someone who strives to be grateful for a mental illness. It’s very difficult. I battle with maturity every hour of every day. Sometimes on the inside I boil over. Then I have to use my outsides to calm myself down. That’s if I’m lucky. It is just as likely I’ll get angry and be mean. I can be full-blown clinically depressed and full-blown manic at the same time. This dysphoric anger is my nemesis. But it isn’t gone. There’s no music getting done when it shows up, I am back at survival mode in seconds. Bipolar doesn’t help me creatively, I fight it. I want to be on an even keel. That would help.
Give yourself a chance with mental illness by giving it to someone else
I hope if you are confronted with mental illness in your life, or your family’s, you don’t try to look for the positive. That’s just something folks believe so they can sleep without feeling bad about how terribly they treat the mentally ill. I hope you give yourself a chance where you wouldn’t the musicians. I am over all this bias. I’m fine, don’t feel bad about me. I feel bad about you.
I will save you a little time getting adjusted to being newly diagnosed. What you’re going to want to do is set yourself up to be as safe as possible. This includes routines, maintenance, even perhaps changes in diet and exercise. Loads and loads of mentally ill have never had this kind of life. It’s because of poverty and bias. But at least that bipolar could write a tune.
Kelly Kintner Editor, Producer