The Discipline Bias as a Bipolar Musician

The great falsehood.

I was once told that in order to have a happy life, I need discipline. That is false.

Many people like me spend an enormous amount of effort trying to be disciplined and fail everyday. Every day. I contend there is a better way.

Don’t let what disciplined folks can say ruin your day.

There is a way to live undisciplined and be a happy person. You can be content, you can have meaningful relationships, you can feel good about yourself. The rub is that many disciplined people don’t believe this. There is a bias held by many disciplined folk against the undisciplined.

Bias as old as humanity.

As a musically talented bipolar person growing up in the world, I was given many lectures regarding the importance of discipline. I was told the key to success is in discipline, that’s very false. I was told the secret to happiness was discipline, again false, (also not a secret if someone bothered telling it to me). I was given priorities of rigorous discipline by unknowing older or mentor-type adults, many of whom were convinced if I just had discipline, I’d be unstoppable. Seriously, I was told this as a kid.

They have ‘key attributes’ made up for discipline.. a list of biases.

Here’s the kicker, though. Discipline is a skill. That means it is learned. They even have it broken down into key attributes:

Okay, I’ll just stop a bad habit.

Do you see the inherent bias in this? As a bipolar, the number one key is impossible sometimes. The second item is nothing but bias. The rules suck right now, in response to the third. I don’t have a problem with the 4th, but you aren’t going to know which tasks are important and which are just dumb being dedicated to all of them or dedicated to these rules. Consistency in art is a no-go for me. I don’t even want it. Consistency means no growth, unless you are consistently growing..but they don’t call that discipline. Capitalists love this term, by the way, “consistency.” Artists do not. Maybe some have a little of both in them and they’re fighting each other.. REAL disciplined, guys. (always a dude.)

Dear techs and producers,

I love my disciplined technicians and producers, but many have had difficulty with me not being disciplined. This is not because they know more, not because they know best; it’s bias. They are able to be disciplined, maybe raised that way. They have specific ways of doing things. They are not flexible. That is not me. I am not going to be masterful at discipline at 50 as a bipolar and someone who’s never been that way. Some roads I don’t go down in this life. That is just the way it is.

The good news.

The good news for me is I don’t have to be disciplined to be happy, content, love, or make art. So I am fine.

I do have to do other things. 

I have to make myself a list of rules per project. I mentioned before I set up stations around the house, one station, one job. I have developed routines, like a disciplined person might, just because I am bipolar and it helps mitigate symptoms. I take meds to keep control and be ‘myself’ for long periods of time. I try to sleep a lot. Sleep seems to help me from getting too hyper. Go figure. I am eating better and better, a long, slow, arduous, and even expensive process. But it feels good. I do physical stuff at the day job. Keeps the blood flowing. I also talk a bunch about how I feel. I hope friends let me know if I say something concerning to them. Talking for me is a way to weave myself in the world. The music helps me a lot. But talking seems to be fun for more folks than just me. Haha. Whereas talking to myself, not hitting.

We’re talking self-care here. It might be my only discipline. And that’s FINE.

I do a whole lot to stay on top of symptoms and have fun. But it is not the discipline required to finish a college degree, or even fix a car. Maintenance is hard for me. Learning software bores me to tears. I have done it. But I am not doing it anymore. Music stuff gets to a technical level where I have to make hard choices. I usually make the wrong one. So I change things and hope for better next time. That’s as disciplined as I get. I don’t have years of habit, skill, routine, even living in one place very long. My life has largely been about survival. A strong sense of discipline would have killed me not so long ago. I had to quit, give up, surrender, admit I needed to change, take pills. If I have managed to develop ANY discipline since then, it’s only because I did that stuff first.

Maybe we need both types?

So, you disciplined folks getting frustrated with undisciplined songwriters can chill. Why not play to your strengths? Have a disciplined and an undisciplined relationship. Does the undisciplined person get on your nerves, even though you have never met and you like their songs? Check your bias.

Kelly Kintner, Editor

The Horse’s Mouth Magazine