I threw my phone away.
Anger.
I can get very angry. I don’t want to. I don’t mean to. I have bipolar disorder and I have experienced hypo-mania before. But lately within the last few years, dysphoric mania is making a comeback. I am trying to combat that. I hate this uncontrollable boiling over with anger sensation more than anything. I hate the regret, time wasted, regret, time wasted, loneliness, time wasted, etc.
Bipolar Disorder.
For those that don’t know, bipolar disorder comes with a variety of symptoms. One of those symptoms, you may be aware of, mania. Mania doesn’t always mean fun. In fact, I’d venture to say that all in all, even the fun manias aren’t as fun in hindsight. But my kind of mania lately, is no fun at all. I get angry. What’s happening in my brain is I’m very depressed, but also very hyper at the same time. If I was a chemist, asked to make a formula for uncontrollable anger, I’d look at that. Because that is what it feels like. Blind rage.
I had a nice coffee post written. 907 words on a new blogging site, seemed real easy. It felt cool. Easy on the eyes too. The editor was just what I wanted. I alt-tab and my work is gone. My phone flashes and folks are asking questions. Keri is trying to help me. And I just threw the phone away.
Later.
In hindsight, I think that was the right move. It shouldn’t have even been in that equation. The situation wouldn’t have felt so escalated. So that’s it. No more phone. None. I’m out. I can’t behave like I want to with it. I am hopelessly addicted to it. I have to remove it from the equation.
Brain Power.
Since I have been off social media I have learned some things. I have more brain power. Let me explain, since I have quit social media, I can read 40 pages in one sitting without issue. It’s been years since I could do that. I have a reading station now.
Stations.
I make stations temporarily around the house depending on projects or what I am into. Right now, I have a demo desk (also easily converted to writing desk), tracking space, lyrics area, guitar jamming space, and a reading space. The reason I have to do all this silly ritualistic stuff is because I have the attention span of a gnat. The reason I have the attention span of a gnat is a ton of unfettered internet time of over 2 decades. Who stands a chance?
No one stands a chance, (really).
No one. Against a fleet of data scientists armed with all our data, no one stands a chance. They’re going to get in the brain. It isn’t the number one industry in the whole world because it vibes. They got the numbers they need, like insurance. They are on the winning team.
Underneath everything is seething anger at the way things are. I try not to be a pain with it. I try to help. I don’t believe in anything radical like acceptance or forgiveness. I don’t do believing much. Never on purpose. I do believe things, but if I find myself believing something, I examine that like hell. I think it is as much compulsion as skepticism. But we’re talking my beliefs, not anyone else’s. So no harm in it. Not trying to crush anyone’s faith. I just don’t really like faith.
Calm.
I feel a lot more calm now. This is a reason I write. I know it will help me feel better. Even if I am only reading or writing my words, I am helping myself. I think that is pretty cool.
How I fight the guilt.
I feel terrible about the dysphoria. The guilt. How awful I must seem to some. I find it hard to move on after an episode. I just want to die. My kids haven’t spoken to me in years. Might be a reason. I get loud, yell, act stupid. Even today. Not often. Not even when anyone can see. But I still do. Shaking with violent anger. I take an Ativan, call it day. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to be stupid. I don’t want to be violent. So I got to take myself out of the game for a few sometimes. It’s the only way I have found to combat the guilt. And after all, that’s really what I don’t want.
I evolve, lots of folks do not.
So I am changing, still. If bipolar has done anything “for” me, it’s point me to different ways of processing, being, living, without hurting anyone. That has always been my goal. Still is. I discovered a breakthrough with CBT/DBT group therapy in New York but haven’t been able to find anything like that here in TX. I like CBT/DBT. I think the examining and positive-habits formed helped me as much as anything.
Do something masterful every day.
My counselor there told me “make sure you do something to help you feel masterful everyday, Kelly.” He knew what he was talking about. Years later, after doing masterful things everyday for a while, I’ve learned it’s cultivating good things in me. Much like growing a plant, doing things you like doing grows you. Certain times of the year or after big projects, it dawns on me what I spend all that time being masterful by myself for. It’ s so I can be part of a masterful work. The growth of getting better, slowing the mind a bit, on a regular basis, also combats the guilt, I’ve found. Can’t be all bad if I made this, whatever it is.
No phone but I am fine.
Today no phone. But I have demos. I have a Charles Bukowski book that is a gut-buster it’s so funny. No phone. First time in years. After sitting down to write this, first, I am excited for it. -Kelly