I am an emotionally charged person, and I can't help it.
Is it me? Or is this the sickness?
A while back, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. For those of you who have had a diagnosis and have been living with it for a while, I wonder if you get caught up in trying to change the diagnosis like me, instead of accommodating for it, like I should. I can explain:
My life is largely centered around improving. In music, I try to make better songs than I did yesterday. My diet is improving all the time. I am not regular with exercise, but I am open to it. That is an improvement, believe it or not. I want to help improve things for Keri too. She is my closest friend ever. I just want her to have it nice. I try to improve my brain by avoiding social media. I don’t have a cell phone. All this stuff makes my life better. But I can’t say trying to improve emotionally does much.
The manias, the behavior, the regret
I have wild dysphoric mania and can be a real bear. I also have typical euphoric mania and can be super lovey-dovey. I am sure I am hell for some folks. I have tried improving there. I have been going to doctors for over ten years. I have taken meds that help immensely, but not “all the way.” I have gone to outpatient and inpatient treatment. I still read about CBT and DBT on the regular, and my behavior has improved dramatically. But the feelings, I wouldn’t say so. It’s likely because I have bipolar disorder, just a guess.
A cycle I get caught up in a lot is if I am talking, or the bipolar is talking. If I am excited on an emotional level, it’s probably the bipolar. It’s nearly always traceable to something I wasn’t excited about. That excitement is likely a reaction to something else. It was triggered. I feel good about the decisions I make when my pulse is below 80. If it’s in the 120’s, maybe it isn’t a time for making decisions? But it is hard. I am charged at that point. Good luck telling me anything, telling myself that. And always check your pulse when making decisions. Revelations abound if you haven’t tried this. I have “zones.” No shit. I do.
Hey, Kelly, take it easy on yourself today.
What I need to do is give myself a break. I think I am working towards that. I realize I am just going to be different, perhaps immature, excitable, and the goal isn’t to beat myself up for it. My goal should be to live with it. Accept it. I can sense relief in that direction. But I am early on in that journey.
I have had behavioral episodes that were tough to come back from. It is tough to think about them still. That doesn’t happen anymore. Maybe I can function as it is, if I just go easy on myself. I have 10 years’ worth of treatment under my belt, a ton of creature comforts to show for it. That isn’t bad for a bipolar on meds who gets a little silly occasionally.
Even when there doesn’t seem to be improvement, perhaps there is.
I hope anyone who struggles with anything finds improvement. I also hope, if the case merits it, they find acceptance. Coping. I will always likely be an emotionally charged individual. I can wear people out. But it is a thousand times better than it’s ever been. Improvement seems to be the way of things.
Kelly Kintner